One Husband and One Wife
…but for the man, no helper was found as his compliment. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to come over the man, and he slept. God took one of his ribs and closed the flesh at that place. Then the Lord God made the rib He had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And the man said: The one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called “woman” for she was taken from man. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2: 20-23 HCSB)
In the beginning, God made man and woman. To make Eve, God took a rib bone from Adam and made Eve. He didn’t take multiple rib bones and make Eve, Sarah, and Jane. He took one rib and made one woman. God made man and woman different in ways that complimented each other. They are to bond and support each other in a way that no other relationship can. I have friendships that have lasted over 30 years and can tell them anything. But none of those relationships compliment me as fully as my wife does. She challenges me in a way that is unique, yet pulls me in with a romantic love matched by no one. This is how God designed marriage. One partner and one marriage. Now some point to people in the Old Testament who had multiple wives. But notice two things…first, there are times when the Old Testament is instructional and times when it’s descriptive, as in telling history as it happened. This is one of those times. If you look at the lives of those with multiple marriages, sin and chaos followed them. Jacob created a divisive environment in his home when he married Rachel and Leah that even carried over to their children. David’s choices also caused punishment not only to him personally, but also to his house.
Why then have you despised the command of the Lord by doing what I consider evil? You stuck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife as your own wife – You murdered him with the Ammorite’s sword. Now therefore, the sword will never leave your house because you despised Me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own wife. This is what the Lord says, “ I am going to bring disaster on you from your own family: I will take your wives and give them to another before your very eyes and he will sleep with them publically. You acted in secret, but I will do this before all Israel and in broad daylight.” (2 Samuel 12: 9-12 HCSB)
David’s sin lead to more sin, in the form of murder. The actions of David, which included taking Uriah’s wife as his own wife, is seen as evil in God’s eyes.
Jesus also points to one union as God’s design for marriage. While there were situations that allowed for divorce, that wasn’t what God’s plan was.
“But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate.” (Mark 10: 6-9 HCSB)
The passage from Mark 10 was Jesus responding to Pharasees who approached Jesus trying to test Him. They asked if it was lawful for a man and woman to divorce. Jesus reminds them that the only reason Moses wrote this law was because of the hardness of their hearts. The expectation of one wife is also seen when talking about the qualifications of church leaders. I believe this also sets the expectations as to how Christian men are expected to live their lives. This is God’s design for how we are to live.
“An overseer, therefore, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife…” (1 Timothy 3: 2a HCSB)
“Deacons must be husbands of one wife…” (1 Timothy 3: 12a HCSB)
Eve as helper
Many times, it’s important to understand the original language used in the Bible. The role of Eve as helper is one of those time. The phrase used was Ezer Knegdow. Ezer, which means helper, is used to describe Eve 2 times. But it is also used throughout the Bible to describe the way God helps his people. When you think of how God helps Israel, which imagery do you have? The word that pops up in my head is how God saves Israel. God is much more than an assistant or secretary to Israel. Likewise, Eve is much more than someone to cook Adam’s dinner and do his laundry. I think of my wife’s role in my life. She makes me stable, gives me a role that has more importance than I would ever have on my own, and keeps me humble. She saves me from myself, honestly.
The other term used is Knegdow, which literally means to stand opposite to. This refers to a counterpart that exactly corresponds to something else. The better way to think about this is suitable, as in complimentary. While my wife and I agree on many core values, we also help balance each other because we react differently. This also affects the way I parent. At times, I remind her of grace and patience when dealing with our daughter, who is a 7 year old version of my wife. At times, she reminds me of sacrificing personal comfort so I can be available to my children, who’ve been waiting for me all day to finish work. Together, those differences complement each other to create one flesh. This was the role God designed for a man and woman. God took one look at Adam and knew that he would be a mess on his own. He needed someone to challenge him and compliment his weaknesses with her strength’s, and vice versa.
Q: How does this play out in your marriage? In what ways do you balance each other out?
Love, companionship, and community
God never designed us to be alone. Starting with Him as the head, God created man and woman to build a family. This relationship was unique enough for the man to leave his own parents and create a life of his own with his new partner. Your parents train and raise you, then you start that life all over again with your wife. The means the relationships we have with others, even our own parents, is not enough to satisfy our lives. We are designed for more, and that begins in our own homes, with our wife. This is a special, unique bond and shows us love in ways we could never explain otherwise. It also gives us that companionship we need. This means someone to experience joy with, comfort us during hardship, and encourage us to be our best selves. That’s why the term “Third Wheel” is so popular. If you have 3 friends of the same sex, no one talks about being a third wheel. It’s when you get that combination of a man and woman together in a special love that the friend then see’s the difference in their role. Family builds community. First in your own home, which then that extends beyond.
Humility happens in marriage
My wife often says the best marriages are those where both partners are trying to out service each other. This is the example Jesus gives by his humility in serving others.
“Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.” (Mark 9: 35 HCSB)
Jesus came to serve, not be served. This is a core part of the example Jesus gave to us throughout his ministry. This includes our home. Love can be shown by the way we sacrifice for that person. Jesus showed that by his sacrifice for us. When I see my wife working hard, my instinct is to try and take something off of her plate to help her out. When she sees I’ve had a hard week at work, she lets me sleep in on Saturday morning. When you love someone, you want to make their lives easier, not harder. Humility, in this case, means putting their needs above your own.
When you marry someone that is your “knegdow”, that means you are not always going to see eye to eye. Sometimes she’s wrong and sometimes, you’re wrong. Humility comes in admitting when you’re wrong and changing your ways. This is the same thing God expects from us, as our Father. Therefore, we are expected to do this with each other, as well.
Q: What things are the hardest to be humble about with your spouse?
Q: Do you make a practice of admitting when you were wrong and apologizing, or do you try to just let things calm down and hope the issue goes away?
Grace and Forgiveness
There is no one place in this world where you see grace and forgiveness play out more than in the home. That’s an ultimate showing of God’s Love. He gives us grace, so we need to show the same to others. We forgive, because we are forgiven. Do you have friends who constantly bring up the same fight from 10 years ago? Or a spouse who is always critical of their partner? We have good friends and whenever they would host a gathering, the husbands would gravitate to the living room to watch the game, while the ladies would vent to each other about their husbands in the back patio. My wife and I vowed to never be that couple. I give my wife grace because I am flawed. Our flaws might show in different ways, but they both exist. So if I want her to show me grace for my flaws, I need to give her the same. A good example of that was one time when she was sick. As I was taking care of her, getting her fresh water to drink and covering her with a blanket, she kept apologizing for being needy. I reminded her that one day, I would also be sick and would then need her to take care of me. I forgive and I give her grace because I need it from her. And as Christians, we live a life full of grace when we deserve punishment. We are forgiven, though we didn’t earn it.
It’s just given to us, out of love.